Dear Mom, Where are you,

In spite of whole last 5 & half years(after my mom's death), I always feel my mom is here with me in each and every second and i never feel she doesnt exist physically among us, but this time during my long stay in my hometown (specially after 5 years), i am feeling so nostalgic about it by looking at each corner of our house which is filled up with her memories,(particularly in my case since i had spent many hours talking with her),,again and again remembering her memories at each point and corner of this house, and

this time i am feeling how much i need her ,,,,,

and her empty place here,,,,,,
where are you mom,,,,where are you,,,,,,

i need you here this time ,,,,,,,, how much i feel your empty place here,,,,,,,,, how much i feel the need of your impact in my life and our family,,,,,,,,, how much i need you to talk to you,,,,

how much i need your power and impact on our family decisions,

where are you mom,,,,
just i was remembering and thinking about many many issues in my life and the amount of help she would have given to me and our family at current situation and my life,,, i was listening to the song by Eric Clapton
"Holy Mother",,,,i would like to share this song with all of you,friends:

Holy Mother, where are you?

Tonight I feel broken in two.
I've seen the stars fall from the sky.
Holy mother, can't keep from crying.

Oh I need your help this time,
Get me through this lonely night.
Tell me please which way to turn
To find myself again.

Holy mother, hear my prayer,
Somehow I know you're still there.
Send me please some peace of mind;
Take away this pain.

I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait any longer.
I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait for you.

Holy mother, hear my cry,
I've cursed your name a thousand times.
I've felt the anger running through my soul;
All I need is a hand to hold.

Oh I feel the end has come,
No longer my legs will run.
You know I would rather be
In your arms tonight.

When my hands no longer play,
My voice is still, I fade away.
Holy mother, then I'll be
Lying in, safe within your arms.

Ooooohhhhh, Home town, memories, people,memories,people,memories,,,,

This time during my long stay in my hometown , I am facing new experiences with people (may not all of them a happy or enjoyable, or better to say may be most of them are nostalgic for me ! ),
Tonight i attended a wedding party (ofcourse an Iranian style) after about 7 years. In spite of i never liked this kind of wedding parties(mostly because of the type of B..l sh..t music they play and some B..L S..t customs, which i wished to be at least some of our proud traditional persian customs not these kind of mixed nonsense !!), this wedding party just was interesting for me since i was attending such kind after about 7 years !!,,,,and meeting some people after a long time,,,,
Ooooohhhhhh, memories, hmetown, memories, people, memories, memories,,,,
i was greeting many people, and just remembering my late mom and many discussions and memories with her regarding many issues and many of those people,,,,sometimes i feel it will be very difficult for me to live in this place again with such memories,,,,
Oooooohhhhhhh, memories, hometown, memories, people, memories, memories,,,,,,
but concurrnetly, from the other side, i was having totally a different type of feeling this time by attending such party, by looking at different couples who were dancing together, this time ,somehow i was understanding their feelings or at least to geuss such feelings,,,and the reason for this different feeling was maybe due to some changes in my life which is happening these days,,,,,and i am so happy for that, because since last 2 months i am feeling i found my lost ring,my lost piece,or my completeing stone piece in my life,,,,,,and all these giving me a new kind of motivation in my life in directing my life arrow,,,,,,,
Oooooohhhhhh, memories, hometown, memories, people, memories, memories,,,,,
but anyway,,,,I say thank you to God, for all whatever giving me in my life,,,,and i am happy for all that,,,,but still, God, help me ,,help me,,,and help me,,,,
Oooooohhhhhh, memories, hometown, memories, people, memories, memories,,,,,
and i feel the "wind of change' in my life,,,,,

Experiencing the autumn again in my hometown after 5 years

The real autumn started from tonight but with almost one and half month delay, and i have a strange feeling , i dont know whether "strange" is the right word to explain my feelings. Becuase its a mixture of feelings of strange, nostalgic, to imagine to be alone in such night with the person i love, listening to the sound of rain, at the same time to sit in a place where I used to sit during my high school time and studying for the university entrance exam ! , in a place where sometimes I used to sit with my mom and spend whole night and talk to her, and ofcourse sometimes during the same time autumn time and listening to the rain(but ofcourse you can understand the difference in the feelings during these listenings to the rain sound, !!) ,,,,,and now after 5-6 years experiencing the same environment,,,,but many things has been changed in life,,,,,,,,
first of all, I am not the same person !,but maybe still many of my thoughts are in the same direction but just more depthful,,,
in spite of my mom doesnt exist physically, but i am living with her and her thoughts all the time,,,,,,
the relationships inside the family has changed a lot,,,,nobody is the same as 5 years ago !,,,,(maybe the reason is the loss of my late mom,,,the power and the pillor of the family,,,,,)
and ,,,finaly,at least something new,,,,,,something energizing in my life,,,,something is happening in my life which is giving me an extra energy to overcome all the difficulties,,,,,something is happening in my heart ,,,,,just i am feeling i am F.I.L. .........and this is the greatest thing is happening in my life,,,,,which i am thinking seriously about it,,,,,ohhhhhhhhhhh,,,,my God,,,,its an amazing feeling,,,,
and I am experiencing all of these,,,after 5 years during the autumn in my hometown,,,,
and tonight the real autumn started here,,,its raining and I am listening to the sound of rain again but with all these changes,,,,
maybe the only thing is the same is the sound of rain,,,,,but,,,,,,nooooooooo,,,,,,,,the autumn rain also started later !!!!
all of these feelings tonight ,,,made me to be awake and sit to write this page,,,,,,
ohhhhhhhhhhh,,,my God,,,i dont know how to explain these feelings,,,,its not possible to explain in a single word,,,sentence, phrase, paragraph,,page, chapter or even a book,,,,,
thats why i like just to lie down next to the person i am thinking about and listen to the sound of rain,,,,and look at each other,,,,,sometimes just eyes can talk to each other without even saying a word,,,,,tonight i want to talk in this way till morning,,,,,,,,,
ohhhhhhhhhhhh....my God,,,,thanks for everything,,,,,,

Nostalgia

Its about 3 months I came to Iran to conduct my project here and from the first 2-3 weeks i was planning to write a new post about my feelings, my deep feelings about my hometown, ny feelings about my country and ,,,,,,but till today it was postponed for 2 reasons, 1st of all the proper wording to explain my feelings truthfully has not came into my mind, and secondly , i had lack of relax time to make myself free for few minutes to sit and write here, but today i got it to sit and write it because since last few days or i can say weeks, my feeling are changeing and entering a new mood in my life, so i thought before coming out of the mood which i wanted to write these sentences its better to sit today and write it.
within the first few weeks to be in my hometown after more than 2 years, i experienced many many new things which i didnt touch it in my previous trips. Maybe the reason was in my prvious trips which all were for a month or so and it was short duration i was not much in touch with people in roads and streets but this time since i am here to conduct my project for 6 months i was in contact with people more and more and what i experienced was not much fruitful, perhaps i could say it was hopeless ( I dont want to use a negative loaded word, so i may call it very very different from past; much more in a downward direction!!!) not only about the way of life here, but also about the relationship between people in everyday life, their ideas about life, the way of raising up the kids, the way they think and feel about the future, how much they know about themselves and their culture and who they are, how much they are trying to keep pace withe rest of world (ofcourse we have to mention in what topics !), and how much they try to be who they are , what they are , and why,,,,
within first 2 weeks i walked down on the streets in my hometown, all the streets where we had memories, but many things are changed and the worse thing is to say the change is in a worse direction, the way people talk to each other, the way they drive the cars, the way they contact each other, and ina word to say in all aspects ,,, i felt down when i saw all these,,,,,why this city became like this,,,,,and is it the same changes in rest of Iran?!!! ,,,,i felt down because when i was in high school and as i remember this city was famous for science and good and polite manner,,,,but what i saw this time it was a very shaded picture of what was in my mind,,,,,,but why became like this,,,,,,,and what i feel its the same in all other cities of this beautiful country,,but why,,,,
whomever i talked regarding these issues, just i heard few same sentences: "the government is making everything worse for us, all prices are increasing, inflation rate is highest in the world, there is no freedom for the minimum of the social issues, the poor is getting poorer, and so on "which all reflects the social and economical aspects of life,,,,,
but when i sit and talk to myself i see the situation is worse than this, because i think why the economical, social freedom issues, & all mentioned should affect our daily relationships of people with each other,,,,i as a citizen am not responsible alone and why others; my own citizens should talk to me like this (each other),,,why it should affect the way of our driving which has its own rules seperate of all other stuff and issues,,,,why we should talk with our costumer in an inpolite way!!!,,,,,and when we do all these faults how are kids are raisng in this society !!!!!,,,,,
why at least the educated people of this country dont realize that majority of our problems which we are facing now is due to less amount of time we spend on reading, and due to less amount time we spend to know our own culture, and to introduce it to our kids that who we are, who we were, and on this base how we have to be !!!!,,,,till when we want to be a shadow?!!, till when,??!!!!
Isnt it the time we , each of us as a citizen of this great land to realize we have to change ourselves from the smallest unit of this society from inside my family,,,,,and teach the raising kid in the family, at least the basics of Humanity?and when we dont do it one by one ,how we expect to change the community in a positive way,,,,,,,,,,
all these feeling were inside me from the first 2 weeks of my stay here in my hometown and till today i was not able to write it,,,,,,,,,i want to sayfew words in persian,,,,,
"gahi ehsas mikonam,,,,,Iranihaye kharej az Iran kheili kheili Iranitar az iranihaye dakhele keshvar be ravesh Irani zendegi mikonan,,,,,chera ma faramush kardim ki hasti,,,,ki budim,,,,,,pas key mikhayeem be khodemun byaeem, chera hichvaght fekr nemikonim ke shayad dlile tame inha az bimotale budane khode mahast, va in ke rahe shenakhte gozashtamuno na tanha be bachehamun yad nemdim balke khodemun ham faramush kardim,,,,"
I am happy that finally i wrote my word about my feelings about these issues,,,,because i was coming out the mood of these words, since i feel i am entering a new stage in my life which needs to get out of this mood.
at end I want to write from Zartosht the first known prophet,,,,,
may be all of our problems originate from the same basics he said thousands years ago:
"Pendare nik, Goftare nik va Kerdare nik"

Astronomy club once again,,,,

Dear friends,,,
once again,,after about a year,,,astronomy club made my mind to fly,,,,,with new achievemnts of Hubble mission after 15 years,,,,amazing pictures through Hubble telescope,,,and new concepts which developed by its power,,,,which whole last week i was thinking about the life cycle of a Star,,,,,I try to put some of those pictures as soon as possible i get time,,,,

Happy Iranian festival, "Chahrshanbe Suri"
However these days i get much less time to visit here, tonight is our Iranian Festival called "Chaharshanbe Suri" ; a Festival on Last Wednesday of the year. To be in a foreign country far away from your home town for a long time, Remembering the childhood, memories and memories which passaway on the screen of your mind, again in my loneliness, inthe environment of my room,lights are switched off,after a long time playning guitar, some music, a cup of tea,,,, listening to a song which is impressing me since last 2 weeks by Sebnem Farah; a turkish singer called Sil Bastan[ I dont understand the language but just by feeling the song emotions behind it i can fly with it and i will put the link of the song maybe impress you also, I want to learn few sentences in Turkish at least to understand the lyrics!!!],I had some feelings to write,,,,,

Illusion

Shab ast,

Hamchon shabhaye degar,

va baz dar in tanhayee khish,

Tariki,

sokut,

va chahar divar,

zire nure mah, dar fazayee dud alud,

sedayee zaeef mara be suye khod mikhanad,

va man hamchon parandei seda ra mikhanam,

be donbale seda midavam,

ta shayad chehreash ra biabam,

va pas az talashi bi enteha be donbale chehreash,

dar tariki,

sokut,

va tanhayee khish,

pejvaki bish nemiabam,

pejvaki bish nemiabam,

pejvake sedaye darun.

Mohammad

(18,march, 2009--5:30 am)

Mohammad,

18.03.09- 5:30 am

Maybe this feelings are not appropriate for such a festival which is a happy festival for ending the year and getting ready for our Iranian new year, but this was the feeling i had and this is the only place which I can express my feelings and emotions and share it whith friends ,,,[from the starting point of my weblog i tried to write in English, but smetimes you can only express yourself in your mother tounge and sorry dear friends for inconvenince, i will try to put a translation soon],,,,,,,,,,,Oh my God, Its 6:00 in the morning and i have to get up at 7 ,,,,,,,

[the link : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=951S_3uZ9SY]